Scared Witless

Up until this moment, I had thought that perhaps my parents were struggling with the idea of their babies going off to University. I had thought that they were being trivial and stressing unnecessarily. They weren’t. As it turns out, this whole time, my parents have been scared witless. That’s what I’ve come to think, anyways. My parents are scared because here I am, heading off into this whole new world. A world they haven’t seen.

I’m heading into this place that barely seems tangible to them. A place full of surprise and danger – a place where they have little control in my life. Imagine how it must be for God – when He sees us walking into a situation where He has no control? Of course, He always has control, but He loves us enough to let us decide whether we want to give it to Him or not. Imagine just having to sit by and accept that your child is now doing their own thing, imagine knowing that they are out of reach. I don’t want to be like that. To be honest – the idea of it scares me. It makes me feel like a child, where all I want to do is run to my parents and cry in their arms; tell them that I don’t want to do this on my own and that they mustn’t let me. I don’t want to become out of reach! Not to my parents and especially not to God! I don’t want to exclude them just because I’ve found a new playground; on the same note I don’t want to exclude God because I’m ‘finding my own life’. He should be my life.

This blog article isn’t one of those clichéd Christian ‘conviction’ pieces where I’m trying to convince you to give Him full control. This is me telling you that I am so scared that I might not do that! I am actually fearful of the idea of running away from Him. Just as I am of forgetting to include my parents in my life. It scares me because I risk alienating the most important influences in my life. This isn’t one of those ‘I have recognised the issue and may now prevent it’ type articles, but rather one of those ‘I have recognised the possibility of this issue and I am scared I will not be able to prevent it’ type articles. Yet, I find comfort in the parable of the lost son (for further reading and perhaps a clearer understanding as to why I find comfort in this parable, read Luke 15:11-32). I can only hope university can make a better person out of me, where I do not lose sight of God or my family. If I stray, I can only hope that those who love me will patiently wait as I make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons. Either way, I know I’ve got some challenges and changes up ahead. This is about Taking Courage to a whole new level.

“Waste days in foreign places,

Shed light on your better side,

Reassure me that you’ll wait for me.

Wait for me, as long as it takes.”

                                                – Ellie Goulding

I'll Make My Own Mistakes, Thank You Very Much.

I start university in 12 days. This excites me as much as it scares me. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been looking forward to this chapter of my life for a very long time, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a little hesitant to hang all my hopes on this. How many times have you done that before? Put all you had into a relationship or friendship or dream, only to have it crush you in the end? I mean, for every pro, there is a con, isn’t there? Someone or something that takes the wind out of you because out of nowhere this object of your dreams and affections threw you a curve ball by turning out completely different to what you expected. Then you have to get up and dust yourself off because “that’s the only way” when all you really want to do is cry in the dirt.

Relationships, friendships, school, university.... All of these things – aspects of our lives that we all have in common – can make or break you. No one tells you how horrible a broken heart can be; I mean – they try to, but you never really know until you’ve experienced it. Kind of like university. People try to tell you how tough it is and how you “Must enjoy high school while you still can” – but didn’t they remember how sick they got when people told them that? Let’s give the matrics some credit. Yeah – matric is easier than varsity, but Grade 00 is also easier than matric! That’s why you don’t see any five year olds in Matric, and on the same note that’s why you don’t find any Matrics in University. It’s about giving people the credit they deserve when it comes to their situation. So what if that couple has only been dating for two weeks and they’re head-over; so what if the girl from that other couple who only dated for 2 months is devastated after their break-up despite how short it may have been. Everyone is so quick to give advice and to judge and to be nosey.

“Here, this is how I would handle it.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t do that.”

“Ah, enjoy it while you can.”

How about you just keep your opinions to yourself while I learn my lesson? If it turns out bad – you can say “I told you so.”; if it turns out good – then everyone’s happy and perhaps you’ll forget that you even suggested otherwise in the first place.

That’s what it comes down to. Despite your age, your experience, your knowledge, you are allowed to feel what you want despite what other people ‘advise’ you to do. Sometimes it’s about differentiating between a nosey friend and a concerned friend.  Yeah, you’re going to make bad decisions and choices, but you’ll learn something from that. To those of you who don’t know whose advice to take, take your own. For those of you who keep dishing it out – think about what you’re saying. Question yourself and ask if you really care about that person and how they are, or are you just being nosey – think of the consequences and whether you’re teaching yourself a lesson at someone else’s expense or if you really are helping - perhaps the best way to help is by keeping quiet.

“Take no advice, not the foolish; not the wise” – Robyn [Musician], Eclipse [Track title]